Character vs. Capabilities

Most of the time I think my little 17 month old son is doing just fine. He seems to be doing most of the developmental things he is supposed to be doing at this time. He’s discovering the freedom of walking, playing with everything, giggling at his mommy’s silly songs, and conversing with my husband and me in various consonants and diphthongs and the occasional semblance of a word. He seems to be growing taller, eating well and developing beautifully, and I feel like all is well… until I see him around other kids his age. In these moments, I feel the capabilities comparison monster emerge within me.

“Simon recognizes his letters”, one parent pronounces proudly, as little Simon-smarty-pants walks around the room saying cat, dog, mouse, house, and other cutesy English words. As I watch Simon, I wonder why the only recognizable word from my son is a repetitive “this, this” in the form of a question, and this thought leads my mind on a downward spiral towards future reading remediation and speech therapy. “I better drill those A,B,C’s tomorrow, and read the current research on teaching your toddler to read”, I think to myself. The monster begins to fester, and dig his dirty claws inside my mind.

In another corner of the room Fanny-figure-all-toys-out stacks all the rings on the pole, puts the puzzle pieces in the right places, and sorts all of the blocks…all within a matter of minutes, as my son bangs a stacking ring again and again on the hardwood floor just to hear the loud sound. Later, I hear a “WHACK”, as the ring flies across the floor. “Put it on the pole”, I tell him in taffy sweet voice, but inside I can feel my stress level rising; instead of doing what he “should” do, he shakes it in his hand and throws it down again. “I am going to demonstrate how to use these toys properly.” I think to myself with a new resolve.

As I continue to watch the other kids, and hear parent’s describe their abilities, I feel the comparison monster taunting me. Soon I am comparing every kid to my son. Susie-sign-language says please, thank you, more, and all done with perfect gestures, while I still have to help mine do the actions. Tony-throw-and-catch-the-ball athletically runs around the room, while my son teeter totters around my leg, tripping and falling down many times, or so it seems. Today it’s saying words and stacking rings, but tomorrow it will be reading levels, and athletic ability. The list is endless, and soon my mind is spinning out of control.

“Why can’t your son do this?” I hear the comparison monster’s voice echo through my mind. “Is he normal?” Is he developing properly? The voice is relentless, and I go home feeling like I have been fighting in a defeated battle.

“Honey, is there something wrong with our son?” I flop down and ask my husband in a concerned voice. His quizzical brow and questioning eyes encourage me to share my comparisons, and recount the day’s events. I find myself emphasizing all of the things our son is not doing at this time. After a few moments of silence, his answer surprises me.

“So often we focus on the capabilities of our children, but how often do we focus on the character? Let’s teach our son character—it’s far more important.” He gently says, leaving me astounded by this wisdom.

“Character vs. capabilities” I whisper to myself, and truth begins to fill my mind. Suddenly I remember these words from Proverbs, “train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (22:6) I have a feeling this verse is not talking about counting to ten, but perhaps about teaching a child to obey his parents and ultimately his God. Perhaps it’s about teaching him discipline, integrity, contentment, and love by praying greatly, and relying on the Holy Spirit. As I let this truth sink into my heart, I sense the monster losing its grip.

My husband reminds me that by the time our son is 18 he will most likely be able to talk, read, write, solve problems, run, and heck, even dance if he wants to, but what about his character? Will we have modeled love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control—the abundant fruit of the Spirit? Will we have taught him a passionate and obedient love for Jesus by our example? Will we have instilled in him a desire to give and serve? Perhaps asking these questions before God is the path towards training our son in the way he should go.

Later, I sit down to play with my son and he surprises me. He puts a puzzle piece in the correct spot; I jump up and down, clapping my hands and cheering him on. We play a game of “where is this or that”, and he responds by pointing to the various things. As we interact, it dawns on me how God created this boy with his own unique personality, special talents and gifts. He isn’t a clone, or a machine; he is a dynamic person, and he will learn at his own pace. I feel so blessed to be his mother, and once again I realize that my son is doing just fine.

I am certain that the comparison monster will strike again, maybe even tomorrow, but this time I will be prepared. I will cling to God’s truth and grace to develop my character.